Monkey Makes the Funny

by Mihkel Teemant

Dedicated to every comedian who has had to deal with an asshole drunk

Monkey makes the Funny

    “You Suck!” The man slurred, obviously intoxicated.

     James stood on stage, staring into the darkness as the bright lights flooded his eyes from the front rafters. He was only two minutes into his fifteen minute set when the man started yelling. The audience sat in silence as he looked out to try and see who was yelling from the sea of dark faces.

     “I’m sorry sir but the Assholes Anonymous meeting is somewhere down the street.”

    The audience chuckled as James tried to diffuse the situation. He knew there was an agent in the audience. An agent to see him. If things went well then he had a good chance of getting into the “Montreal Just for Laughs” comedy festival. Now some drunken moron was going to ruin it all.

     Just shut the fuck up James thought in his head as he waited for the words that were to come. He clutched the microphone in his right hand as he waited for the response. Please God, let this piece of shit die of a heart attack or something and let me get on with my show.

     “Get off the stage!” The voice yelled back.

     It was the worst situation to be in: let some asshole ruin the show or destroy him and lose the audience.

     “First I have to tell these fine folks about the rancid vagina you fell from. Don’t ya’ll want to hear about that?”

     Half the audience reacted and tried to chuckle at James’s attempt at trying to get the room back into order while others began folding their arms.

     “It was so rancid, that the doctors saw you come out and thought they had delivered Rosemary’s Baby.”

     A few laughs sputtered throughout the audience as James got ready to deliver the blow that would shut that drunk asshole up.

     “Then they saw you and thought ‘Oh shit! It’s just a miscarriage! Throw this one in the garbage Renee!’”

     James proceeded to act out throwing something into the garbage and threw his arms in the air “SWISH!”

     Two people chuckled at the act out while the rest stared at the comedian. Judging, looking down on him. It was never a good sign in stand up to be able to count the number of people laughing in a full room.

     He heard an audible sniffling toward where the voice had been.

     “My mom died last week you son-of-a-bitch!” The drunken man screamed at the stage.

     “Well, I’m glad she could finally all do us the favor,” James said coldly, staring down  where the man’s voice had come from.

    Silence. Stares. A man coughs somewhere in the back off to stage left.

     The man stood up, holding a Budweiser in his left hand. He looked at the stage, tears streaming down his face. The drunk man took a long swig of his beer, staring coldly into James’s eyes. Finally he raised his  beer holding arm pointing with his finger towards James while the other four fingers held onto his almost empty beer.

    “You’re a just a nobody! Nobody is laughing now! You suck! I’m going… I’m going to tell the manager! You’re never going to work here again!” the man said.

    “Well then, get on your way now,” James said.

    The man turned and walked out  through the double doors and into the hallway. James waited till he was out of sight and then turned back to the club. A sea of smileless faces stared back in his direction, upset at the man who was supposed to make them laugh.

    “Sorry about that folks,” James said as he started to cup his hands around the microphone. “Hey there folks, this is your comedy captain speaking,” he said, his voice echoing like an intercom. “...errrrrr… We have been experiencing some comedic turbulence. It appears to be over so feel free to unbuckle your seat belts and sit up in the belly laugh position.”

    James could hear one forced laugh somewhere out in the darkness. He turned to the stool with his gin and tonic on it and picked it up. He took a big gulp. As he took his short break he looked at his phone. 8:21 p.m. Only 11 more minutes of awkwardness left. I guess Montreal will have to wait till next year he thought.

    “Did you ever notice how the more you look at the internet, the more you wonder how we as a society have done ANYTHING productive?"

    Silence and cold looks glared back as the hot lights started to make James sweat.

    Usually he got a chuckle but it looked as if this would be the end of the laughs for now.