Lawn Darts and the American Way

by Mihkel Teemant in , ,

There is a problem in America that most people don’t want to address; guns. Lots of shootings, over 10,000 deaths every year and yet we can’t seem to get enough guns. Lots of people say there is nothing we can do about guns. “You can’t ban guns,” They say. “You just can’t stop them.” To those people I say “Remember Lawn Darts?”

Lawn Darts was an American classic. Begrudgingly played at family reunions and during the summer when Mom wouldn’t give you a few bucks to go bowling and you couldn’t get a hold of your friend’s uncle’s “Playboys”. Yes, Lawn Darts was as accepted as Horseshoes. That weird thing that kinda works like jai alai, and lawn darts. The sharp pointed darts  flew threw the aerospace and landed without fear into the lawns and skulls of unwilling victims (who really just wanted some fresh air) in backyards across America. From sea to shining sea sharp pointy objects were being thrown in the air with freedom and liberty. Until 1987.

Although multiple people died and several people were injured over the years, it took only one death of a child from a tragic metal tipped lawn dart accident for a father to get them banned for sale in the U.S in 1987. With that fatal death, lawn darts were so 2000 and late in 1987.

Now a lot of people will say "But you can still make your own lawn darts" or Some people will say "If you ban lawn darts you're infringing on the rights of responsible lawn dart players! This is America!" But search "metal tip lawn darts" on Amazon or other popular sites. They are nowhere to be found. Instead you will find heavy ended lawn darts with soft tips. Sure, it mostly works like the original. But what fun is it if there’s no risk of a eye being poked out or a skull being punctured? I mean, how will one enjoy the game if they can’t feel the rush of a pointy heavy object whizzing by their head every now again? (*since God damn Steven refuses to put on his glasses even though he has poor depth perception. But I digress.) If the risk is only a concussion does the integrity of the game still hold up? Sounds more like lame darts to me.

We live in a metal tip free lawn dart country. Soft tipped safer lawn darts now rule recreation centers and awkward mandatory family gatherings throughout America. Mind you the point of the lawn dart is not to kill but to be played for recreation. Still illegal. And yet no one seems to care because most of them didn't own lawn darts and the rest found some other game to play because they felt that the safety of their kids and others made sense. Since 1987 I can't find a single incident of metal tip lawn darts bought legally.

“But… But you can get regular darts” Why yes you can. But the size of the dart is to a BB bullet, as a Lawn Dart is to regular size bullets. (That’s a simile. You have been a simile-ated)

I'm sure if you go on the deep net, or some sites out of the U.S. You can probably find some black market dangerously pointy lawn darts. Hell, in a pinch you can steal some javelins from a track team. “But that would mean only the criminals have lawn darts.” And let no one be mistaken; Everyone on the field part of the throwing team is probably a criminal (usually shoplifters based on the throwers on my high school Track and Field team) but none are criminals while they are chucking pointy things. They commit crimes in their free time.There's still safe places like tracks where you can join a team, get proper training, and throw sharp pointy sticks all day long or till the Coach has to go home because his wife has a meatloaf in the oven and he’s getting too old for this shit. It's even an Olympic sport (part of the felons to the NFL program) But now, Sharp pointy stick throwing includes lots of rules, officials, and regulations. They have coaches and you have to go to a specified area in order to throw it. Take a javelin to a public park and sees what happens. I don’t have the official stats on me but pretty sure it’ll take more than a tape measure in your pocket to get the cops off your back. One can only wonder what the founding fathers would have thought about this infringement on freedom. Although, to be fair, the Founding Fathers never did write anything on an individual's right to own sharp pointy sticks to throw for sport.


Now another set of facts about a product most adults can buy rather easily. Guns:

-1:32 shootings are actually used in self defense

-from 2001-2014 more than 28,000 children died at the result of a firearm

(That's 13 children dead for every soldier that died during the first 11 years of Afghanistan)

*Slate 2014


Including 100s of mass shootings such as:

-Sandy Hook

-South Carolina


-San Bernandino




And let's not forget:

The intent of a gun is to kill.


    Many people will point out that they enjoy shooting. Fantastic! And wouldn't it be crazy if (pause for effect) I'm one of those people too? Holy shit I am! Well slap my ass and call me sexually harassed! Maybe you can move that hobby to a safe place with people regulating the safety of you shooting. They’re called “gun ranges.” If you get good, you can even enter one of the many Olympic and sporting organizations! You can even join organizations that let you shoot people. They’re paintballs, laser tag, and airsoft. You can technically hunt people!


(*This next part I started writing in July. I’m a lazy editor so you get COMPARATIVE STATS from then! The new stats are from December 2, 2015 and in parenthesis.  Enjoy the reality!)

Meanwhile in 2015 as I write this (July 28, 2015), there have been over :

-28,555 Incidents (NOW 48,225!)

-7,330 Deaths (NOW 12,200!)

-14,743 Injuries (NOW 24,682!)

-415 of those deaths/injuries were children between aged 0-11(NOW 640!)

-another 1,420 deaths/ injuries were Teens aged 12-17 (2,418)

-186 mass shootings (NOW 310!)

-And when it comes to using the gun for self defense? 683 instances (Now 1,122)… 1,068 (Now 1744) accidental shootings. That’s about 40% (more likely to accidentally shoot yourself than to defend yourself. Seems like a great bet.

(all facts compiled and original references at:


    You know what you can buy at Walmart? Bullets and guns. You know what you can’t buy? You guessed it. Metal tipped Lawn darts. “But… But you can get regular darts” Why yes you can. But the size of the dart is to a BB bullet, as a Lawn Dart is to regular size bullets. Plus one is indoors and has a close range. But that’s really a red herring argument isn’t it?

    We concentrate on Paris and Beirut, meanwhile Paris had a tragic 170 attacked in it’s city. “If only the Parisians had guns!” the NRA fans cried. But Paris also has about 1800 gun related incidents in their whole country on average due to strict laws so on average they are not killing each other at a high rate so… You say Potato I say Potato guns are a great non lethal alternative. Plus you can shoot candy out of them!   

So let's not be quick to do anything to take the guns away or make it at least harder to get guns. But go to sleep easy tonight and make sure to thank God that your kids can't get their hands on any dangerous pointy metal tipped lawn darts.