Just an evil, no good, bring the world to its knees Atheist

by Mihkel Teemant


    I am a no good piece of shit human being. I am an Atheist.

    I don’t believe in Gods or prophets, or Ghosts, or leprechauns either. No Santa. No Jesus. No Moses even. Just a no good evil piece of non-believing garbage.

    I don’t believe in the power of prayer. I know what you’re thinking you righteous bastard. I don’t believe that you sit in a corner, close your eyes, and do a revision of “Are You There God? It’s me, Margaret” to get good grades, or fix a car, or even for cancer to be healed. That’s what a sociopathic piece of shit I am.

     Prayer just happens to be what I’m starting with because it’s the most common of beliefs that many people of different faiths all agree unanimously works. No matter what heavenly one way telepathic radio buddy they believe in, they all agree that the dude is listening with his latest heavenly Beats by Dre. And you thought the NSA was intrusive.

     For good grades, I partake in the awful hedonistic ritual of studying. (GASP!) Studying!!! I added more exclamation marks so that you could read it the exact way you feel. I have the idiotic belief that reading and practicing studying material over and over will bring me good grades. That and the mystical test healing powers of “Abacadaba.” Holy midterm, finals, and MCAT Batman, I’m going to hell! I think that slaving away for hours on end brings about the good grades I need, and if I don’t then I suffer the consequences of poor ones. It’s a relatively radical idea I know, but one that I have held onto as I see my report cards over the years. Sometimes I have gotten lucky but I refer you again to the mystical powers of random chance known as “Abacadaba.”

    To fix a car I go to a specialist. An evil witch doctor known as a “mechanic.” These motherfuckers collaborate in a vast conspiracy that goes to the top of the witchcraft game for the holy masters of Satanic Masonry “the engineers.” These guys cook up all these evil books of spells using some wiccan or pagan sorcery known as “math”, “physics” and other science. I have one for my “beelzebub wagon” a 1985 Ford Crown Victoria LTD. The book is full of spells anyone can do like turning a magic hexagonal wand clockwise and counterclockwise to perform Frankensteinian parts exchanges. I go to a graveyard of vehicles and the book tells me which cars I can take parts from to do the exorcism needed to breathe life into my vehicle. It even tells me how to expel the spewing of black bile that must be changed once every few months. I know I don’t rely on the Yahweh method as much as I should to turn my car into a Cinderella carriage. But hey, whatcha' gonna do when you ask for evidence for your everyday life?

    And don’t get me started on cancer! I should be a true red, white, and blue blooded American in which I humbly ask for cancer to be removed from the good Lord, or at the very least Lord Voldemort. But it just doesn’t cut the mustard. Instead I rely on silly empirical scientifically proven methods and research like Chemotherapy aka “Anti-Rogaine-Christ hooch” and other methods by so called “experts” with “medical degrees” (whatever that means) to “cure” my “sickness.” I’m not strong like the Christian Science members that know for a fact that if they believe enough God will take away their Cancer and be cured. Sounds to me like much like clapping to bring Tinkerbell back to life but I don’t believe enough. And Cancer is just the tip of the iceberg (the Jewiest of ice). I sadly must admit I’ve relied on surgery, antibiotics, medicine, and even visits to the no good know-it-all Atheist doctors to make myself better. Boy, do I wish I was strong enough for faith!

    Prayer to me has been only to comfort those who need to feel something. At least that’s what I experienced. I’ve never seen anything REALLY get done through prayer. I’ve never seen someone pray for something into existence. If you prayed REALLY, REALLY hard for say, a mess to be cleaned up, I’ve never seen a “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” type mop and bucket moving around without another person at the end of that mop, doing the dirty work. “But I asked for it and someone showed up to do it?” Yeah, yeah. Looks like at the end of the day someone, ANYONE still has to do the physical labor with the exception of Mickey Mouse.

     The list goes on and on and on about weird dark beliefs I have. I feel bad just thinking about all the crazy stupid evil things I believe. For example, I think that wealth isn’t a right. I know! Fucking nuts! I think that people should love one another and we should solve things like hunger and poverty so that we can all live together peacefully. You’re thinking right about now “Dude, you can’t be serious. How the hell am I supposed to afford a 100 foot yacht with a full underpaid staff if we do those things? What about ME?!” I don’t know, call me a dreamer. I even want to heal the sick and make sure no one needs to die needlessly or be homeless.

     Crazy other shit too. I think that instead of putting drug addicts who have physical and psychological addictions that are tearing apart the lives of themselves and the people around them, maybe… MAYBE we should instead give them help and try to love them. I must be on drugs. Listen to that bullshit!

     I think that instead of spending money on building bombs and going to war that causes the unbelievable loss of lives and hardships we should spend some of that money on things that actually keep people alive. I'm not saying that we should end the military completely, there are so psychopaths in countries that have the compass direction "North" in their name and rhyme with "borea." Instead of spending a trillion dollars on bombs and weaponry at a rate of the next 15 countries COMBINED. I’m not in the military so maybe I’m misinformed and they’re just giving kids candy. I mean a trillion dollars in candy seems far fetched, but maybe that’s why they have the drones. You know, to deliver the candy effectively to all the small happy children around the world.

     I swear these ideas didn’t come to me in some drugged haze. There was this book by this hippie guy who was being followed by a dozen dudes and a whore. This guy was so nice, he didn’t even try to fuck the prostitute. NOT EVEN ONCE! The story is kind of scattered but I remember pieces of it. Once, the guy said something about sewing stuffed camels with rich people’s needles. I think that’s how it went. This other time he walked into a temple where people were trying out the God endorsed form of economics known as capitalism and they were gambling so he got pissed and fucked shit up. Real Bruce Willis like. Come to think of it, it’s probably why they killed him (spoiler alert).

     I’m not sure why I exactly have all these crazy ideas but I do. Maybe the devil just got to me a little too much when I left Mormonism and decided through the evil tenets of logic that out of the 10,000 plus religions and ideological beliefs that have caused most wars, famine, killing, and bigotry, that I had no idea where to begin on which one is true. I mean, on one hand Mormonism has only been around for less than 200 years. On the other hand it was started by a guy who is kinda a documented con man. The body counts of the Old School G’s like Catholicism, Islam, and Judaism were so impressive and so alike I didn’t know which one I should pick. The buddhists just seemed SO BORING with their regeneration. I mean who hasn’t gotten bored playing video games where the lives don't matter like "Mario Brothers" or "Call of Duty"? Great, I’m in another place with the same ‘ole bull. Okay, maybe not "Call of Duty" but you get the point. Then there are the Scientologists, and the Raelians and the Whovians. They all seem like nice people but I don’t know where to begin. I almost chose the Norse religion. It was close to giving me the evidence I needed. Odin swore that he’d get rid of the Ice Giants and when was the last time you’ve seen an Ice Giant?

     So I used my logic and caved to almighty Satan… Or Hades… Or the recently defunct Ice Giants. In the end, I had to open the pandora’s box of religion with it’s claims and try and find the evidence to support them. One by one they started to fall. And then I started to doubt. Some have what I could consider verifiable claims but they can't verify those said claims. How many animals did they say are on the Ark? What do we know about speciation and gene variation? Could that many animals even fit on a 1,396,000 cubic foot boat? How did that boat not only fit the animals that were both carnivores and herbivores but the millions of species of bugs, fresh and saltwater fish, and all the food? Fuck, that’s a lot of food!

     And other religions too, in fact, that have verified claims that don't fair too well for them. How come it’s documented that the Scientology religion started on a bet? And is there any concrete verifiable evidence for Aliens coming here? The nearest star to ours with planets is 4.37 light years away. Great! Now I just need to turn into a ray of light and have Scotty shoot that beam and travel at that speed for 4.37 years (give or take a little). Still might even find aliens there though. I'm starting to smell some good old fashioned bullshit.

     So I decided that religion might be something we as humans needed for a time but may not need any more. Evil science continues to give me answers where the bible and other holy books cannot. Science has taught us that Alpha Centauri is the nearest star system to our planet. The bible… Well, says a lot of things that doesn’t say anything about stars or other planets. In fact, it gets things wrong like the age of the Earth, how the planets revolve, and evolution. So I I'm a little skeptical to begin with.

     The most important thing that science has taught me is that it’s okay to be wrong. That at the end of the day, we might not know the answer but we can question and try to find the right answer. Sometimes the answer might not be the thing that I want to hear but it’s the right answer. And science has said that it’s okay to say “I don’t know.” I believe those words to be the most important words in the English language. Those words can be followed by the next most beautiful clause “but I can try to find out.” We know more than any other civilization that we know of in the explored universe and we are just starting to see the very beginnings of the knowledge that’s out there. The fruit in the Garden of Eden to me now represents what religion fears. Knowledge. Because if we allow others to hold the keys of knowledge we are kept in the dark. But as Carl Sagan said “science is a candle in the dark.”

     Science has it’s problems too but it’s never science that is at fault. It’s usually an idiot human being. At the same time that science has given us Nuclear energy there have been power plant leaks and nuclear bombs. Science has tried to solve world hunger through genetic engineering by giving the world more plant yields and bacteria resistant crops and corporations has halted some of that progress by attacking farmers up in courts with trademark litigation and lobbying. But it isn’t science that does these things. Like religion, the ills seems to be very… Well, human. What we do with science or religion, or the NFL for that matter really comes down to us. What kind of world we want to live in.

     Tomorrow we might look to the edge of the Universe and see a bearded man peeking. A man that we can all agree is God or some dude named Bob for all we know. Maybe a beautiful woman that we all want to take to bed with a big ass and matching pair of perfect tits. That’s the beautiful thing about science. Science will change so that the facts fit and then search to know more while all the others fight over what they call him or her. Science will try to understand so that we can try and live better with everything we know and most importantly each other.

    I really have tried not being an evil, no good, bring the world to its knees Atheist but I guess it’s just part of God’s plan for me. Until I get the evidence I so boastfully and idiotically ask for I’m doomed to an eternity in some kind of hell. If the buddhists are right I’ll come back as a sea amoeba. If the Scientologists are right I’ll leave on a UFO as Tom Cruise’s personal not-gay sex doll. Until then, I’ll just have to say “I don’t know, but I can try to find out.”


Becoming the Land of the Free

by Mihkel Teemant


This was also published in the CSUN Sundial. This is the original essay without their editorial changes.

Becoming the True Land of the Free

By: Mihkel Teemant

     With Congress’ approval rating with the American people at an all-time low, something terrible has happened; New Zealand’s markets and society are considered freer than the United States. Why? How? That puny ass country off the coast of Australia? Those Kiwis don’t even have an army! That got me thinking about the problems facing the United States and how we can make a comeback to become the freedom beacon that we once were. We have to get more extreme than the Paul Ryan budget and the Libertarians’ fiscal ideals. We have to make Ron Paul break down in tears of joy because of how much freedom we’re generating. If we’re going to out-freedomize those in New Zealand; we have to get rid of all government.

    There are so many problems that the government can’t seem to fix, that would finally go away if we eliminated the American government. With the simple signing of one final bill disassembling all government, President Obama can make America the very symbol of freedom. Without laws or government, the American people will finally be able to live in the purest free society. It’s like freedom on steroids, which will now be legal.

    No need to worry about gun legislation, there’s no legislature! Finally Congress can not be blamed for anything going on. The school shooting issue will go away completely because without the government funding an education system school shootings can’t exist.

     In fact every problem will eventually go away. Traffic tickets, long DMV lines, and those horrible people at the IRS will magically become distant nightmare. I mean if you know how to drive you don’t need any stinking paperwork. To sit in a car and prove to a simpleton government employee that you know what you’re doing? You’re an American dammit, and driving is in our DNA. I even believe it’s somewhere in the Constitution, although I am too busy to find it at the present moment.

     A lot of people are thinking by now “Hey Mihkel, what about things like a monetary system, police, and a basic society structure? How will we be able to provide an infrastructure to move around in society?” I respond to you cynics of America: do you not trust Americans?

     Sure we won’t have a monetary system, but we’ll have the greatest version of capitalism, trade and barter. Whether it’s a cheeseburger, corn, or gasoline for your car, we will finally get rid of those greedy banks and stockbrokers on Wall Street profiteering off of the sweat and hard work of the American worker. Finally farmers will be respected and able to charge fair prices without dividends and subsidies to worry about. If worse comes to worst, at least they won’t starve.

     No law enforcement doesn’t mean there won’t be any type of security, it just means that every soldier and police officer is now a rent-a-cop. Those who can afford protection can procure it by paying them in food and other products. Those who can afford the cops are obviously the ones worth protecting. If you can’t afford it when you call 9-1-1? Sucks to be you. This is America and you should have worked harder.

     A basic societal structure will be provided for those who can afford to fix roads and bridges. No longer will we unnecessarily repave roads that still have any trace of gravel on it. You can pay for the roads you use most often and to hell with all the other ones. I’ve never driven on the I-87 in New York. Why should I have to pay for it?

     Only the best teachers will get work by those who can afford it. The best teachers will end up teaching the rich kids who can pay for the education. Everyone knows they are the best kids because they have parents who care enough to provide things like education. Some of you selfish people out there will say “But what about my kids?” Hey pal, I’m sick and tired of carrying your family’s weight around. Work harder! Why should I have to pay for your kid’s education? I don’t have any kids, which is the exact amount of education for another human being I can afford.

     It’s true that there will be no laws, but why do we need laws? Criminals never follow the laws, so why even bother? Everyone will be in charge of carrying out justice with no courts to judge innocence from guilt. I see no way this can be a problem since we are a Christian nation. Everyone will have a gun so in theory no one will ever shoot anyone in fear of someone else shooting them in retaliation. To other countries we’ll have the lowest crime rates since we’ll no longer have laws, so no crimes are ever technically committed.

      There will be some upsides for leftists as well. For all those beatnik hippie anti-war people out there you’ll no longer have to worry about funding wars since we won’t. Liberals won’t have to worry about their money going towards a death penalty that they are so vehemently opposed to. This country will no longer lock up addicts as criminals. Silly social problems that currently cost millions of dollars in resources such as gay marriage and prostitution will no longer be an issue. You can do what you want with whom you want. There is even some good news for capitalists because without regulations you can finally run your company the polluted way that you have always dreamed about.

     People will envy our freedom. Our unrestricted free markets and perfect society of no crime. They’ll come to America as a land of opportunity, and out of their countries of rules and regulations that act like a super nanny, shaking the finger and telling them what to do like children. Finally we’ll be able to look those New Zealanders in the face and wave our flag and sing our national anthem proudly and really mean it when we sing “O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.”